A couple of days ago, on 6 July, I turned 25.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared or apprehensive or worried in my life.
With the time I have on my hands, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about.. many things. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane – like what should I do with my hair today (the answer is almost always just ‘tie it all up in a bun and get it over with’), other times the thoughts are somewhat existential – like why the hell am I still trying to figure out my life when a lot of my peers already have theirs together. I don’t know why I’m struggling so hard to find what I want and where I fit in. It’s really difficult for me to even consider thinking about my future when my present’s still so messed up.
For a while now (I don’t remember how long it’s been, I think it’s been many months), I feel as if I don’t have any motivation or drive to do anything. I feel so uninspired. I feel, to put it generally. tired. Tired of life, I think. Tired of living? Maybe it’s early onset depression or something. I don’t really know. Depression isn’t something to be taken lightly, but I’m not dismissing it because I really feel as if there’s a dark cloud looming over me. Something like that.
I mean I know I like makeup, and writing about makeup. But my writing isn’t really to the point that I can really make a living out of it yet, do you know what I mean? I’ve always written for myself and I’ve always written about the things that I like, but I really don’t think my awkwardly informal writing can really do much.
Honestly I think I’m lost.
I don’t quite know what to do with myself, so I’m just trying to live one day at a time. It’s difficult, yeah. But well. If I can get through one day then I guess I can go through a few more, and then some.
But this is supposedly a birthday post, no? So let me attempt to crawl out of my muddy ditch and talk about the good stuff that happened on my birthday.
My dad woke me up past midnight to give me my present: a new laptop. I didn’t really ask for one, but I was really glad to receive it since I did need a good machine to work on. (It’s hard to work on an old laptop that lags or is too slow to even run two programs.) I spent a few unholy hours awake, transferring files and things. Then I went to sleep at around 4AM, if I remember right.
I woke up early-ish, around 10:30AM. I made some pancakes from a box mix. I probably can’t make pancakes from scratch, but I could if I tried. (I mean, I did make a white sauce from scratch before.) I like pancakes, they’re quite comforting for me.
I met up with my friend Allie later in the afternoon. We had merienda at Mary Grace, which is one of my favourite restaurants. Everything they have there is delicious, but I ordered a Mushroom Cream Pasta with a Peach Iced Tea. She gave me her present, which included a handwritten letter. I really like letters, both receiving and sending them. It meant a lot to me that she gave me one. After that we went around ATC, just browsing through some shops. Then, when she had to leave to go home, I wandered around some more on my own.
Early into the evening, my other friend Lala came to ATC. We went to Serenitea to have some tea drinks (milk tea for her, fruit tea for me), then walked around a bit as we decided where we would eat. I wasn’t too hungry but we ended up going to Yabu. She ordered a katsudon while I ordered a rosu tonkatsu set. I hadn’t been to Yabu in years, and I was seriously craving tonkatsu so I let myself indulge. (It was my birthday, after all.) We talked a lot over dinner, even though she and I see each other quite often. It was nice. She paid for my tonkatsu as a birthday treat. It was really nice of her. Then after that we went to our friend’s house for some tea and cupcakes. It was nice way to cap off the night.
When I got home I opened Facebook and made sure to reply to everyone who greeted me. It was nice of them to drop a line on my wall, whether they really remembered my birthday or Facebook just said so, haha. I felt appreciated.
That’s all for now, I think.
Here’s hoping for better days on my 25th year of existence.