A couple of days ago, on 6 July, I turned 25.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared or apprehensive or worried in my life.
With the time I have on my hands, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about.. many things. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane – like what should I do with my hair today (the answer is almost always just ‘tie it all up in a bun and get it over with’), other times the thoughts are somewhat existential – like why the hell am I still trying to figure out my life when a lot of my peers already have theirs together. I don’t know why I’m struggling so hard to find what I want and where I fit in. It’s really difficult for me to even consider thinking about my future when my present’s still so messed up.
For a while now (I don’t remember how long it’s been, I think it’s been many months), I feel as if I don’t have any motivation or drive to do anything. I feel so uninspired. I feel, to put it generally. tired. Tired of life, I think. Tired of living? Maybe it’s early onset depression or something. I don’t really know. Depression isn’t something to be taken lightly, but I’m not dismissing it because I really feel as if there’s a dark cloud looming over me. Something like that.
I mean I know I like makeup, and writing about makeup. But my writing isn’t really to the point that I can really make a living out of it yet, do you know what I mean? I’ve always written for myself and I’ve always written about the things that I like, but I really don’t think my awkwardly informal writing can really do much.
Honestly I think I’m lost. Continue reading “A post-birthday post. (But not really?)”