Quick update & tiny writing bit!

Hello, everyone! I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything on here. Needless to say, 2016 has been pretty rough for me and I don’t think it’s letting up even as the year slowly comes to a close. Here’s a bit of writing to compensate a little bit for it. (Won’t even develop a proper plot since I’m at work. ^^;;)

Here’s the Reddit link for my writing prompt for today!

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“Just give in,” she said. “Things aren’t getting any better, so why even hope for it.”

She was very insistent, as she always had been. For the longest time I was able to ignore her, overlook her snarky remarks or eye-rolls of disapproval as I tried to trudge my way through work- and in life in general. I doubt she’s ever realize how much work, how much time and effort I put into it. But I guess she doesn’t see that. All she sees is whatever trouble I end up getting myself into. It sickens me.

But he says otherwise. “You can do it,” he likes to tell me. “You can do many things. What you can do now, there’s more to it.” He is supportive. He likes to encourage. Sometimes he says it so often that I believe it; and for a moment, I believe in myself. I don’t tell him about how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, what I want to do next… but he knows. He’s just there, quietly waiting and watching.

They always have conversations with me. Nobody really ever sees them except me, and I know they’re there.

A post-birthday post. (But not really?)

A couple of days ago, on 6 July, I turned 25.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared or apprehensive or worried in my life.

With the time I have on my hands, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about.. many things. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane – like what should I do with my hair today (the answer is almost always just ‘tie it all up in a bun and get it over with’), other times the thoughts are somewhat existential – like why the hell am I still trying to figure out my life when a lot of my peers already have theirs together. I don’t know why I’m struggling so hard to find what I want and where I fit in. It’s really difficult for me to even consider thinking about my future when my present’s still so messed up.

For a while now (I don’t remember how long it’s been, I think it’s been many months), I feel as if I don’t have any motivation or drive to do anything. I feel so uninspired. I feel, to put it generally. tired. Tired of life, I think. Tired of living? Maybe it’s early onset depression or something. I don’t really know. Depression isn’t something to be taken lightly, but I’m not dismissing it because I really feel as if there’s a dark cloud looming over me. Something like that.

I mean I know I like makeup, and writing about makeup. But my writing isn’t really to the point that I can really make a living out of it yet, do you know what I mean? I’ve always written for myself and I’ve always written about the things that I like, but I really don’t think my awkwardly informal writing can really do much.

Honestly I think I’m lost. Continue reading “A post-birthday post. (But not really?)”

Working to find work.

I’ve been back in Manila for a little over a month and needless to say, it’s been pretty alright. A regular day consists of me doing a bit of housework, maybe cook up a bit of food, but generally just veg out, watch a few episodes of the shows I like to watch, and browse the Internet; among other things. I don’t have a specific set of goals as of the moment, but a pressing issue that’s taken priority is to find a job. In fact, it’s what my older sister grills me about very often. I’m getting tired of it, really. All the pressure she’s putting on me isn’t making things better – it’s actually making things worse.

For the past couple of years, I’ve really just felt empty. I don’t feel motivated to do anything, to pursue anything. And with that, it’s hard for me to really start anything; even more so finish anything. Above else, what I want to do is find what it is that I really want, what I really like, what I really feel passionate about. I feel that if I find that niche where I fit in, it would be easier for me to follow through and maybe actually finish something.. I mean if I feel lost, what’ll that mean for the things I decide to enter or seek to do, right?

I’ve been browsing through job sites and I’m definitely struggling to find something that really piques my interest or something that I feel would suit me. (Not only is it difficult to find that fit, but there’s all those qualifications and requirements like prior job experience and the like – I’m trying to find a job for experience, but I need experience to get a job? What’s that all about???) Personally, I don’t like being boxed in when to comes to how I do my work – which is one reason I felt somewhat suffocated when I was in law school. Because you’re expected to conform to specific formats and use jargon that isn’t simple nor used in everyday conversation, it restricted me on how I viewed myself; how I could express myself. It took a toll on my creativity. It even went to the point where I was browsing through old creative work I did like short stories, essays, and fanfiction – and I barely recognized the person who wrote them. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, like I wasn’t myself at all. I missed the person I was when I wrote those creative work. Continue reading “Working to find work.”