A post-birthday post. (But not really?)

A couple of days ago, on 6 July, I turned 25.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared or apprehensive or worried in my life.

With the time I have on my hands, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about.. many things. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane – like what should I do with my hair today (the answer is almost always just ‘tie it all up in a bun and get it over with’), other times the thoughts are somewhat existential – like why the hell am I still trying to figure out my life when a lot of my peers already have theirs together. I don’t know why I’m struggling so hard to find what I want and where I fit in. It’s really difficult for me to even consider thinking about my future when my present’s still so messed up.

For a while now (I don’t remember how long it’s been, I think it’s been many months), I feel as if I don’t have any motivation or drive to do anything. I feel so uninspired. I feel, to put it generally. tired. Tired of life, I think. Tired of living? Maybe it’s early onset depression or something. I don’t really know. Depression isn’t something to be taken lightly, but I’m not dismissing it because I really feel as if there’s a dark cloud looming over me. Something like that.

I mean I know I like makeup, and writing about makeup. But my writing isn’t really to the point that I can really make a living out of it yet, do you know what I mean? I’ve always written for myself and I’ve always written about the things that I like, but I really don’t think my awkwardly informal writing can really do much.

Honestly I think I’m lost. Continue reading “A post-birthday post. (But not really?)”

Working to find work.

I’ve been back in Manila for a little over a month and needless to say, it’s been pretty alright. A regular day consists of me doing a bit of housework, maybe cook up a bit of food, but generally just veg out, watch a few episodes of the shows I like to watch, and browse the Internet; among other things. I don’t have a specific set of goals as of the moment, but a pressing issue that’s taken priority is to find a job. In fact, it’s what my older sister grills me about very often. I’m getting tired of it, really. All the pressure she’s putting on me isn’t making things better – it’s actually making things worse.

For the past couple of years, I’ve really just felt empty. I don’t feel motivated to do anything, to pursue anything. And with that, it’s hard for me to really start anything; even more so finish anything. Above else, what I want to do is find what it is that I really want, what I really like, what I really feel passionate about. I feel that if I find that niche where I fit in, it would be easier for me to follow through and maybe actually finish something.. I mean if I feel lost, what’ll that mean for the things I decide to enter or seek to do, right?

I’ve been browsing through job sites and I’m definitely struggling to find something that really piques my interest or something that I feel would suit me. (Not only is it difficult to find that fit, but there’s all those qualifications and requirements like prior job experience and the like – I’m trying to find a job for experience, but I need experience to get a job? What’s that all about???) Personally, I don’t like being boxed in when to comes to how I do my work – which is one reason I felt somewhat suffocated when I was in law school. Because you’re expected to conform to specific formats and use jargon that isn’t simple nor used in everyday conversation, it restricted me on how I viewed myself; how I could express myself. It took a toll on my creativity. It even went to the point where I was browsing through old creative work I did like short stories, essays, and fanfiction – and I barely recognized the person who wrote them. I felt like the life was sucked out of me, like I wasn’t myself at all. I missed the person I was when I wrote those creative work. Continue reading “Working to find work.”